I want him to see me (Chapter 2)

Driving over to the IHOP wasn’t bad, we listened to some Adele on the drive over and complained about Isabella. I didn’t know that she was cornering him in his office and making suggestive comments that made me blush. I feel like the staring I was doing was so mild now. When we got to the IHOP he came around and opened the door the rest of the way while I got out.

“You couldn’t wait for me huh? You’re supposed give a guy a chance to open the door for you.”

“What? Oh, you can open the door on the way in. There’s your chance Starfish, I’m hungry.”

“Starfish? That’s horrible. My nickname is SeaBass. Get it right Epiphany.”

“Is that so? I’ll try and remember SeaBass.”

I chuckled as he held the door open for me and we went in. We had to wait 20 minutes to be seated, which wasn’t bad considering it was so full. We sat in a booth and ordered water with lemon and coffee.

“So I’m not going to let it go, what were you thinking about watching me at the water cooler?” He teased, sipping his water. This guy…should I even tell him? I’d be as bad as Isabella. Not cornering a guy in his office bad, but verbally I guess. Is that how it works? I don’t know. “We’re not in the office, you can be honest with me.”

“You want me to be honest with you? What happens if I am? Do you just want to hear me talk dirty? Will it help your ego to know what I was thinking? If I say what I was thinking, would anything happen remotely close to it?” Looking straight at him, I was honest. These are the questions I had. No one wanted to hear what I thought on these things, I knew nothing would come from him knowing any of this. I’m no one’s type and the only thing he is likely to focus on is the fact that I’m a pervert who thinks about one coworker in many not safe for work ways. I did feel like I was harsh after saying it and I used the menu to cover my face. I felt a bit ashamed that I was that snippy with him again. I was kinda mad at his asking, but more than that, it was that I knew that Sebastian represented the kind of man who no matter what ethnicity or race he would or could be, he would not be interested in more than friends with me. “Forget everything I said. I’m really moody today and running into Isabella soured my disposition further.” I took a deep breath, I needed to say more, Lord knows I had said plenty. “Thanks for bringing me to brunch. I do actually enjoy pancakes a lot.” I finished sheepishly, I felt like sinking into my side of the booth.

Sebastian laughed. He picked up on that she may have an edge to her from interactions at work, but this shocked him and was hilarious. At least to him it was, she was usually pretty sarcastic with her comments but today she was serious. Isabella and her maneater tendencies didn’t help things when he was trying to have brunch with someone he was never quite sure how to approach. She seemed to get along with everyone in the office but kept to herself save for eating lunch with three of the other ladies in the front office. He reached across the table and tipped her menu downard meeting her eyes.

“I’m sorry I came off like an ass. It’s been helping to keep those water cooler ladies at bay. If I’m unlikable, they’ll leave me alone. Some of them have started to, others are more persistent.” He stated, he wanted to smile to reassure her, but it didn’t feel like it would be a good idea. The whole encounter was likely annoying to her since she clearly did not want to be bothered while catching up on work. He thought that since she was staring at him anyway she might be interested in getting something to eat. He was thinking something light at first but he did jog from the parking structure to the office as a short workout. It worked up an appetite. Sebastian did know exactly why she was starting at him. It was why most women started at him. He’s handsome and sexy, he knows it, he also knew that most of the women at the office didn’t give a crap other than how good he looked. Epiphany was one of the few who asked him questions that didn’t see to be part of a dating profile. “Despite how this encounter started and Isabella generally making any meeting go downhill, I did actually want to talk to you while watching your lips with that shade of red. Which…” He stroked his beard. Epiphany adjusted herself in her seat, it drew attention to his peach lips. She silently cursed in her head that he kept talking about her lips and the shade when his kept assaulting her eyes. “…may border on creepy as many times as I’ve mentioned it. But what do you think about Witness protection just snatching Dr. Halstead away at his wedding? I feel like it was a bit much.” Seabass stated, he usually was able to think of something pithy to say, but his mind failed him. This time he did smile with all his pearly white teeth. His eyes had little crinkles around the edges that made it seem like his entire face smiled.

“Well, since you’re being all nice and charming now, I feel truly horrible for being so mean. It took way too much effort to be rude. Also, I feel like even though Manstead is trying so hard, the writers don’t want them to succeed.” I laughed, harder than I thought I would. I put down my menu and looked up at the waiter, placing my order for double chocolate chip pancakes, scrambled eggs and 3 slices of bacon. Sebastian ordered a country omelette, pancakes and hash browns. They got a refill on their coffee and chatted about if Ava and Conner were really going to work out. My position is that maybe Conner should not date his frenemy coworker who maybe did the deed with his dad. Sebastian said that they might be able to work it out if he never finds out about the dad. I inform him that he may need to watch the latest episode. Sebastian says that just that phrase is a spoiler and we have to watch the episode on Hulu along with this show I also mentioned named Grandchester. We talked about shows until the food came, then spoke about the food, stuffing our faces. There was nothing said about what I ate, how I ate it, and how much I ate. I never did tell him about how his whole face smiles when he laughs. I can be a bit of a wuss at times.

Sebastian paid for the meal and we left, stomachs full, laughing about chocolate and how there should be more songs about how good it is. Eggs also need a shout out in song two for how many ways you can cook them. We hopped in the car.

“Now that we’re on good terms, what else should we do today? It’s only the afternoon.”

“We could see a movie.”

“What movie?”

“Venom. I haven’t seen it yet. I’m expecting changes from the comics I just want to see if it’s going to be awesome or they make him like the Hulk in Infinity War.”

“Wow, no look pulled punches with you huh? Poor Hulk. He was having a bad week. Or bad five or six years.”

“He’s an angry green gramma ray monster, he should have tried to fight Thanos again just to beat him for the beating he got.” I stomped my foot. I tend to do that when talking about Marvel stuff.

“I think we should see Venom. I want to see how pissed you’re gonna get at this movie.”

“Have you already seen it? We can see another one.”

“We’re seeing this one. I need to see angry Epiphany. I’ve seen a happy Epiphany and an annoyed Epiphany. Maybe you’ll turn green.”

“That’s a bit far. Plus I haven’t been exposed to gamma rays. Let’s go.”

We decided to go see a movie he had already seen just so I could see it and he could see how mad I get at the movie.

His kindness so enjoyable bit odd. And Sebastian can be awkward which is endearing. This is too much fun with a coworker

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I want him to look at me (Chapter 1)

I want him to look at me. I watch him as he gets water from the cooler and fills his metal water bottle up. He has a dash of grey in his beard, which used to signal to me that a guy was too old, but I’m nobody’s baby either and it looks good on him. I had to come in on the weekend to finish up some work from the week. I end up spending more time out of my office than in during the week so I’m behind on actual paperwork. In passing he mentioned that he had a interest in space hence the NASA baseball cap. He’s been working here for three months and I’ve been watching him the entire time. I would ask him why he’s here but I’m just enjoying him drink water. I am a pervert clear as day, who else would be ecstatic to watch someone drink water? My bottom lip is sore from me bitting it while watching Sebastian drink. He could make a HR complaint against me for making him uncomfortable, but he looked some kind of comfy in his gray sweatpants and red sweatshirt. His blue eyes were more striking due to the dark blue coat he was wearing over it. It seemed like he had been working out or something prior to coming in so he had a light sheen to his skin. The fact that his Adam’s apple was moving up and down as he gulped down his water made me bit my lip. His name is Sebastian. Doesn’t he look like a Sebastian? He has these high cheekbones, peach pink lips and broad shoulders. Tall, but not towering, he finished the bottle he was drinking and filled it back up. What threw me was that he leaned on his right foot, hand on hip and and turned to the side slightly so one could see his profile. Sebastian flashed a smile in my direction with a smirk. He knew I was watching him! I’m gonna be called into the HR office on Monday! I went back to typing on my computer, trying to act like I wasn’t staring at a man for 5 whole minutes. I did finish two of the reports and three of the notes I was supposed to be working on. I was responding to to some emails when I saw him walk down toward my office. Even through his sweatpants, I could tell his thighs were thick, he sat in the chair across from me, scooting it back so his knees wouldn’t bump my desk.

“Epiphany, are we going to talk about this?”

I don’t look up from the computer. If I do I will stare. He’s drinking more water and dammit her licked his lips. The bastard….sexy blue-eyed bastard. Why is he here anyway?

“There’s nothing to talk about Sebastian. I’m working. I should be done in another hour.” I’ve been peeking at those lips but I had to look up when he finished his water and leaned back to his right in the chair spreading those thick thighs.

“You sure? You watched me while I was at the cooler and you’re watching me now. What were you thinking about Epiphany?” He did that damn grin again, then rested his hand on his thigh. So frustrating….

“I was thinking that I was the only one in the office on the weekend. Why are you here?” I asked flatly. Yeah I was watching, no way I’m gonna tell you. Clearly your ego is big enough already, along with something else.

“I got a bit of light jogging in. Then I was going to look at some of the reports and see which ones can wait. But I think all of them can wait. You want something to eat Epiphany? I’m thinking pancakes.” He leaned with his elbows on my desk and finished the last bit of water. He licked his lips and bit his bottom one. I had to clear my throat.

“I-I’m a bit hungry. But why are you asking me anyway? Just because you don’t want to eat alone? I’ll be fine until I leave thank you. During the week you should ask Becky to eat pancakes with you. I’m sure she would like that. Plus I thought you preferred pizza.” I spit sour that he seems to be teasing me. It’s bad enough he caught me watching him and now he’s making fun of me fake asking me out. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Sebastian and I had chatted around the office, I’d put us at casual acquaintances, I knew all those other women in the pencil skirts and sleeveless shirts were chatting him up. Asking him what type of food he liked, if he had kids, a girlfriend, pets and crumb of information they could get. He’d usually turn it around on them and find out about their foods and families. The thighmaster did let it slip that he did not have a pet and favored pizza.

With a chuckle, he stroked his beard, “They’re mainly trying to pump me for information because they want a husband. I’d be lying if I thought I could be a good husband. I don’t know. What I do know is that I want to eat pancakes with you and hear your latest take on where they’re going in Chicago Med while looking at that red lipstick you have on. It draws my eyes right to them.” I saved my file and closed my computer looking down at my hands. My nails are short, I tend to break them or split them if they grow out too long. I just need to focus on anything else. He isn’t making any sense. Talking about my lipstick like that. My hands ran slowly over the computer, needing to be busy.“I notice you’ve been wearing it more often. It really is beautiful, you know. Hey, look at me. I shouldn’t make you nervous, we have polite conversations about TV shows and music.” He took his hand off of his chin and placed on the back of my right hand, making both my hands as still as a rock. I looked up at him worried that he was going to say, “Just kidding!” I really can’t take this.

“Just say it.”

“Say what? That your hands are soft? They are, and fun to squeeze.”

“You don’t have to drag it out and unless you’re recording this for weird kicks.”

“I’m not husband material, but I’m also not an asshole. Who does that?”

“Nevermind.” I lay my face in my free hand doing a facepalm. Then I remember, the entire time we’ve been talking, I don’t have any makeup on except my red lipstick. So he’s seeing my face with the scars. Shit!

“I get it. Most guys are assholes. I’m honest and I’ve been told I’m funny, so let’s go eat.”

“Fine. We’ll go eat, let me just get some things together. I’ll meet you outside.”

“I’m going for the gentleman role here so no. Plus you don’t need anything except your coat and purse. I think you would need more time for your makeup, but you don’t need it. It’s IHOP up the street Epiphany. Don’t get rid of the lipstick though, fyi, word at the water cooler is, they’re all pissed they can’t find the same shade.” He stood up still holding my hand and smiling, though it had softened compared to his slick one earlier.

“Just because I’m wondering, who is Becky? We don’t have a Becky at the office. Is that a general term for the women of the office that I have to remember now.”

“ I’m sorry for being snippy earlier. I didn’t think you were serious smart ass, but if you do start calling them that. Let me be withing earshot. I’ll grab my coat and then we’ll go, okay?” I finally smiled. I let my guard down. This damn man. It was difficult to keep being salty toward him. I gave in and if he was somehow still running a long teasing game then so be it. I stood up, letting go of his hand and out my coat on. His hands were over cold but large, his fingers thick too. Why did everything about him seem thick? I grabbed my keys and purse as he opened the door for me. We left my office after I locked it and started toward the elevator. We heard the heels first, somehow she stomped everywhere she went. Of all people, why her? Damn Isabella. She was beautiful, has flawless creamy buttermilk skin to my scarred caramel, hourglass shape and long dirty blonde hair that could be a weave or extensions but looked pretty either way. “Hii!!! Sebastian! Epiphany! How are you two? Working in the office? You hard workers you! On your way out?” She was always loud and noisy. Ugh.

“Hi Isabella. Yep, on our way out. Prepping for the owners on Monday?” I greeted her and asked. Keep it business, maybe she’ll actually go to her office. But she stopped and ran her hand right up Sebastian’s arm, who took a step back flashing a slight smile. “Hey Isabella. See you Monday.” He replied and walked briskly toward the elevator. I was left with the woman who was a good three to four inches taller than me, without the heels. “He always runs away from me. But men like certain shapes and sizes Epiphany. Don’t get your hopes too high up. He is a very nice young man. He’s going to be nice to everyone dear. Just so you know. I like your Aladdin sweatshirt. It’s just so cute, just like you.” Bitch, I know he’s nice. I’m not an idiot. It’s just brunch. You’re just mad he won’t bed you. Everyone knows you go after all the fresh meat in the office. I smile and nod. “Thanks Isabella. I’ll keep that in mind. Have a good day, see you Monday.” I walk as fast as I can, not that I don’t hear her laugh. Even work environments don’t change much from high school. I believe they’re worse because if you have a boss like her, what can you really do? She is actually excellent at her job and I don’t doubt he’s being friendly at this point. And I am a grown woman in an Aladdin sweatshirt. This is one of my favorite shirts though. I turned the corner and glimpsed myself in the silver metal of the wall.

Yes my red lipstick is beautiful, but I have this thick black glasses I can’t see much without and they hide my honey brown eyes. My face has acne scars that are dark brown and black. I keep my chin and cheeks shaved as best I can. Women in my family tend to be hairy and I don’t have the pain tolerance for waxing my face. I am fat, obese, whichever you want to use. I have rolls, jiggles and folds. Not sexy at all. At most cute as Isabella said. I believe I have a nice shape to my legs but they have scars on them too. I’m better off sticking Disney and Marvel, dreaming is good.

“Hey. She’s a witch and a cougar. Who may practice a weird form of voodoo and whatever is in discount botox injections. Let’s go eat.” Sebastian comforts me by putting a hand on my shoulder. I take a deep breath a nod, getting onto the elevator with him to go to IHOP. He really is so nice.

HEA vs. HFN

I was writing for a good little while today. I think the story is coming along. I think my stories fit into the happy for now category. The characters come to a place where it looks like things are going well.

The people are not perfect. They have their issues, but I think out of romance and what people find issue with is happily ever after. Which yeah, if you have had a crappy day, reading happily ever after will definitely cheer you up.

Most of the time, I prefer happy for now. It more exemplifies real life and is what I would want. Both people in the relationship are happy. Perfect? Lord no, but happy to have each other, happy to be together and if stuff comes up, they figure it out together.

Thoughts on preferences

I write to get out thoughts and feelings that are otherwise not ok to say in public. Sometimes maybe they are, but I don’t feel confident enough to say them aloud to others.
I write fanfiction. It used to be just anime, but now it’s about the MCU actors. Yeah, I have a preference for white guys, at least from the MCU. Weird? Yes, but I knew this about myself. But I like the goofy, sweet, hot and smart. I usually write about how we get to know each other and he accept me for who I am and what I am now. Someone who is fat, has rolls and is gassy. They enjoy my companies and I enjoy theirs. There’s usually not some grand story going on. It’s meeting at work, through a friend or at a Starbucks.

Plus romance stories I see on TV either don’t feature black women as romantic leads, when they do, they guy usually isn’t as gainfully employed as she is (not working toward anything better either) or has to be this hard nose angry black lady who was done wrong by men before. Yes there are those women, but there are women like me who we’re shy we’d like guys to like us. We have good credit. We’re not hot, but not toads. Can’t we get a win or two you know?

I wonder about it sometimes.

Better Self Care 2019

Try and stick to this: it may seem weird, but you’re weird. It’s not bad. Just means you have to make adjustments for yourself. You’re a special snowflake.

Go to bed by 10:30pm. Get clothes ready, bag, part of lunch and clean make up brushes for tomorrow.

Wake up by 5:30am Wash my face, bathroom and eat quick breakfast so you can take your medicine by 6:00am.

When you get to work, put your stuff down and take a deep breath. The residents and the staff will seem like they are against you, most of them are not. Just take it one thing at a time and leave when you’re supposed to.

Try to leave work by 4:30pm no later than 5pm. This is important. Your sanity depends on this.

Can play video games or watch TV or check bills, but must exercise to a TV show for 20 minutes. If you keep exercising, the meds you take will decrease and you might sleep better. It’s a win – win.

Make time to watch movies and write. It is good for you, helps with your depression and works some of your many anxieties out. That and singing, keep working on that playlist.

Must take medication before you leave the house after eating breakfast. You’ll feel better even though it might not seem like it.

The Best and Worst Day

I had been sitting outside of the doctor’s office building for two hours. The sun was setting since it’s been getting dark earlier due to the season change. We’re deep into the fall, almost at Christmas.

I lived in a studio apartment. It was cheap, quaint, fine. Then I met him at a bar. We talked, drank, danced a bit. I went home with him. You only live once and he was that high school jock who actually studied a bit and earned B grades instead of just C’s. He was nice, sweet and we slept together twice in the same night. I thought it would be a one night only deal but we exchanged numbers and he called, wanting to get to know me. Now we’ve been dating six months and I moved in with him, it turns out he has a house. Four bedrooms, two and a half baths with an attic. He said he wanted to sleep next to me and not have me leave at night or early in the morning to go freshen up before work. To see me in the morning for a ‘surprise’ or to tickle me awake. I was worried about my snoring, but he said he didn’t hear anything. Chris said that the snoring balanced out my singing during the day. It turns out it also gave me a reason to go home earlier. Something I didn’t know I needed, until I’m actually home at 5:30 or 6:00 pm on a weeknight. I was so used to going home, being alone and saying I’m fine all the time even though I feel like I’m going to break from sadness and depression. We cuddled and talked about our favorite movies, most of them Disney, laughing at each other as we sang songs from our childhood. He would touch me often, not always leading to lovemaking, but just to let me know he was there and wanted me to be there too. That he seemed to enjoy me and my body. I wondered what about he liked, I’ve always been too afraid to ask, worried that the answer would be some fetish. But thinking on it more, it didn’t matter. He treats me with respect and misses me when I work late on occasion. He greets me with a smile along with a kiss as do I.

We go out to dinner, sometimes to places that weren’t chain restaurants, something I wasn’t used to. I wasn’t used to someone getting upset on my behalf at things he he felt I was slighted on in the past. He promised to make them right. It made me joyfully confused to be thought of in such a way. To be treated with reverence, I wondered if this was how duchesses felt or princesses. I wondered if there was anything I could do to make him understand how important he was to me. I sang Disney songs from “The Little Mermaid,” “The Lion King,” “Mulan,” and others. Anita Baker, Queen, Panic at the Disco, Brandy, and I tried to figure out some of his favorites to sing for him.

That he cared about me despite me being a bundle of nerves who cried too often, forgets to take her medicine and eat breakfast most of the week, promises to lose weight and never does, I just coast between different shapes with scars and stretch marks and I am way too gassy. He laughs when I tell my jokes which usually only make me laugh, but chides me for poking too much fun at myself, instead covering his lips with mine, even in a restaurant when he was paying for the meal. I do cook for him, thank the Lord he has a hardy constitution. I experiment with recipes I see in Good Housekeeping and other magazines. When I’m off during the week I’m bring him leftovers or something I decided to make for him at home, he works in a construction office and shows me off, making me giggle uncontrollably at times.

I thought living together would be harder, but we’ve worked out a good rhythm. I even surprise him with new lingerie which he happily takes off of me. He’s never been rough with me, but doesn’t treat me like I’m glass either. I never did tell him that he was my first, though I think he knew somehow. We lay in bed and don’t talk after, just rest in each other’s arms. Enjoying the silence peppered with our breathing and heartbeats.

It may very well end like it has in the past. Though, to Chris’ credit, he is nothing like them. They presented their fetishes, what they liked and didn’t like about me and women in general. Meeting enough of those men had me think that I seemed to attract that type of man: judgemental, arrogant, suave but self-absorbed and that you’re lucky that I’m talking to you. Meeting Chris at the bar that night, I had decided to take myself out. First because I hadn’t been asked out in two years and even then there was no guy I remotely wanted to spend time with if I didn’t have to and second my friends and I couldn’t coordinate a meet up to help with me feeling stir crazy.

This last month and a half, I’ve noticed a change. My ankles are more swollen and I’ve had a loss of appetite. I feel more tired since I haven’t been eating as much but I make sure I eat at least dinner when we’re home together. It sometimes comes back up later. He’s concerned, but I tell him I’m fine, it might be a side effect from one of my medications. I’m a registered nurse so anything medical, he takes my word on it. It felt like a lie, I brush my teeth and take a shower. The sex feels different, not worse, just much more intense and I’m almost feel like I’m going to break him. I want more of him more often, not that I didn’t already, it felt like I was in some sort of heat.

I was sent home from work today. My boss said I hadn’t looked well the last two weeks and I need to be seen by my doctor. It didn’t help that I got dizzy at the nursing station with one of the social workers there. They mean well, but they’re very nosy. It is the nature of their job though. I tried telling her I was fine, but she’s a nurse with decades of experience under her belt. That’s why I’m here now and I’m scared out of my mind. The doctor said my blood pressure was up slightly from last time, but the swelling and appetite concerned her. She did blood work and tested my urine, I got a call from my friend.

“Girl, what’s going on? You’ve been weird. Don’t tell me that man got a case of stupid. Are you okay? Your boss told me you went home early, but I know you never go home early.”

“I’m at the doctor’s office. She told me not to come back until I’m cleared by them.”

“Epiphany, seriously, are you okay? Do you need to be picked up? Do you need me to call someone for you? Do you want me to come?”

“No, no. I’m okay. I just wanted to sit and be still. One of his tattoos says that. Inner stillness. I don’t think I’ve ever mastered that though.”

“Does he know you’re at the doctor’s? You’re going to tell him right? In relationships mean you tell people things. You’ve been with him six months now and hell, you’ve moved in with him. Epiphany, please tell me you tell him when things aren’t right…”

“It’s not going to last forever you know. I tell him some things, minor things. But I just…I just want to stay as we are. Sweet, enjoying each other. I haven’t had it before. He’s always worried about me and promising me things. I’m not supposed to be with him anyway. Just…”

“Just what? Are you deaf? You need to tell people when things are wrong with you. How else are they gonna help? And what do you mean he’s not supposed to be with you? That’s why he asked you to move in right? You deserve someone who’s good to you and if he happens to be a smart slice of beef, then that’s a bonus.”

“I did send him a text that I was going to the doctor’s office, but not why. I’ll tell him when I get home.”

“Are you safe to drive? Maybe he should pick you up or something?”

“No. He’s working. I’ll figure something out.”

I thought I dropped the phone. I looked down for it and didn’t see it, it’s not in my lap or on the sidewalk. Someone hung up my call with Santana and she called back twice only for it to be ignored twice, then a text. This is Chris. Sorry to cut you off. I’ve got her, I need to talk to her. Thanks for talking to her.

“It’s almost dark out here. Why didn’t you call me?”

“I didn’t want to bother you. I was about to come home.”

“Your text scared the hell out of me. I left work and came straight over. I know you only go to the doctor to get your refills. What did she say?”

“She said that my blood pressure is good, only up a little. She is concerned about the swelling but I’ll just put my feet up.”

“You did tell her about your vomiting, fatigue and lack of appetite right? What happened today at work?”

I look away, embarrassed. This is so embarrassing. I didn’t want him to leave work. This is just so shameful. I’m a mess, I knew I was going to mess this up. “I got dizzy at work and had to sit down a few times. The boss sent me home. I wanted to stay but she said I had to go.”

“Epiphany, what if you had passed out? You push yourself way too hard. Have you thought about what it could be?” He sat down next to me, holding my hands, clearly concerned. The top two buttons of his blue shirt were unbuttoned, exposing part of his tattoo with the quote about stillness. “Your hands are freezing! How long have you been out here?”

“Two hours. I have thought about what it could be and it can’t be. Even when we didn’t use a condom, I take my pill everyday Chris.” I laid my head on his shoulder, it might be the last time. He has a good idea of what it might be already.

“Sweetheart. That’s likely what it is. You’re late aren’t you? You haven’t used any of the small bags for your monthly visitor trash. I noticed there were more than usually when I walked Dodger this morning.” He was so perceptive. It scared her sometimes. He kissed her forehead and let go of her hands, using an arm to wrap around her shoulder.

“I’m scared…We’ve only been together six months, we just moved in the beginning of last month. You’re eight years older than me. I’m not married, I’m another statistic and I…I don’t want it to feel like I’m trapping you Chris. Lord knows I’m not, this is the worst way….” His lips touched mine, skimming my bottom lip before connecting fully. He parted from me with a stern look on his face, gripping my shoulder tighter.

“Epiphany. This isn’t the worst thing that could happen. Let’s say you are pregnant. I’m not going anywhere. I didn’t ask you to move in for fun. I want you with me. I not letting you go, I’m holding on tight so when you start to spiral I can make sure you come to a safe stop. I don’t want you think that anymore.” A kiss wet touched forehead as my eyes grew moist. His thumb whipped away the tears that ran down my cheeks. “And yes, I am eight years older than you, but that really just means if you are pregnant, I’m just that much more happy about it, because I was convinced it was never happening. Then, I met a woman in the bar who was eating mozzarella sticks by herself and I figured that she is cute therefore I will buy her a drink. Plus any woman who has the stones buzzed or not to call Dan ‘Barkeep’ over and over is a woman I should talk to if for no other reason.” His lips found their way back to my forehead before lingering on my lips, tasting them with his tongue. There was a honk from a Ford focus a recognized as his younger brother Scott’s car. I stood up to wave but did it too fast and weaved a bit with Chris hoping up to steady me. He helped me other to his Camero and made sure I was in the passenger’s seat okay. I had to fuss at him to not buckle my seatbelt for me as he got my lunch bag and work bag out of my car and put it into his. Scott drove my car and his boyfriend drove Scott’s car. We stopped at Target on the way home. I bought crackers, soup, five pregnancy tests and two boxes on entenmann’s little bites. I for in line with Scott and didn’t beg a chance to see what Chris was shopping for. Scott and his friend make sure I got inside the house safe and helped me to prop my feet up on some pillows. I thanked them both and Scott gave me a kiss on the forehead. “You know you’re already in the family right? This is the happiest we’ve seen him. He can usually be a bit more moody and anxious, but you seem to even him out Epiphany.” I smiled and nodded chuckling, “He does the same for me too.” Scott laughed and Chris turned to all three of us telling is to quiet down so I could relax. “Yes brother. You’ve done so much relaxing, that’s why she’s in the state she is in. Maybe you need to relax on your relaxing so she won’t end up with twins or triplets in there.” Scott winked and made his exit, his boyfriend followed wishing us good luck.

“I’m not an invalid and we don’t know for sure I’m pregnant. I’m going to try out one of the pregnant test. I need to know now. I can’t wait for the test results from the doctor. I won’t get any sleep.” I stated and got off the couch and I made her way to the bathroom with a test. Chris called out and said to call him if I felt faint. Urinating on the stick was tricky but turned out to be doable, sitting on the toilet and setting the stick on the back of the toilet with some toilet paper under it, I waited and stared at it. “You’re gonna do something. I drank so much water at work. It felt like I was going to burst even after the doctor’s office. I just don’t know what to do…We haven’t even had that conversation about children and marriage. This is too fast, much too fast.”

“Is it though? Because I was thinking four in four you know. That way the house will never be quiet.” Chris smiled and kneeled down in front of me on the toilet. Dodger came in whimpering and licked my knee. “Even Dodger is wondering. Before you look at the stick though, just know that not immediately when we met, but maybe the second time we made love, it may have entered my mind about having children with you. Or at the very least, getting the sense that you would be a great mother because you too wondered why Simba’s mom never looked for him after Mufasa’s death. You know she didn’t like Scar. She was not going to take him at his word.” Epiphany laid her forehead on Chris’ shoulder as she laughed hard.

“Your passion for Disney makes mine look like a fleeting dream. Thank you, I needed that, though that is such a specific criteria to base motherhood capabilities on.”

“And that’s why I hold onto you so tight. That and you’re so soft it’s fun to hug you.”

“That night I honestly thought I would never meet you again. I’ve never been so happy I was wrong. I’m also happy that…that…you…were…” I couldn’t say it. It was too embarrassing.

“Epiphany I know. You gave me something that you never gave anyone else. That’s part of the reason I treat you delicately. The most important part is that you accepted me as I am. A bro-looking guy who memorised Disney songs, sings them without abandon and tap dances with jazz hands I might add. The only thing you called me was a goofball and danced right with me. We’re going to need to work on your dancing my dear. You’ve got to be able to do more than a two step.”

“You’re stalling as much as I am right now. And I told you I suck at dancing and you had me do it anyway. I also do a mean cabbage patch.”

Chris peeked behind Epiphany hugging her an saw the result. “There’s an answer Epiphany. Did you want me to tell you?” He asked, leaning back from me to take my face in his hands and stroked my cheeks with his thumbs.

“Tell me. I need to be sure.”

“But before I do…” Epiphany shot him a dirty look, squinting her eyes at his blue ones. Humor was for earlier, not right now. “Evans, dying in a bathroom is not what you want right?” He laughed and I ended up smiling. Staying mad at him was so difficult. “Either way, you’re going to marry me. I’m not letting you go.” My eyes widened, that was out of the blue. I thought we were going to talk about it more. I started to feel dizzy. “You’re the one trying to kill me. I see it clearly now.” I shook my head and leaned in, planting a peck on his lips. “I don’t think you’ll make my bones into wind chimes though, so yes I will marry you no matter the outcome of the test. I’m not letting you go either Chris.” Chris grinned and lifted me up by grabbing my legs and carried me to the couch, kissing my neck. He set me down gently and sat next to met, putting ly legs across his thighs to prop them up. “We’re going to make preparations for a wedding and a baby. It’s gonna be a lot of work, but I know that won’t scare you off will it Epiphany?” Chris asked with a smile as he turned on the TV and started ‘The Lion King.’ I reached for his shoulder and ran my fingers down the length of his arm to his hand, taking it in mine. “No, hard work is fine by me. Especially with you and the circle of life Chris.” I giggled as the opening started, showing all the animals make their way to Pride Rock to see Simba be presented to the Kingdom.

To School! Again….

I knew the day would come. I have to finish my bachelor’s in nursing. I know it doesn’t really seem that bad, but honestly I’m just tired of school. Which is weird because I used to love it, though the social aspect of it help quite a bit. Considering how much healthcare is constantly changing, I’ve likely waited a long time to finish my bachelor’s but thankfully now there’s more options for online only. Considering I work such long hours I don’t see how I’m going to be able to show up even to a class month in person. I’ll check things out and see how it goes

Why do you blog?

That’s the question of the day today. Why does one blog? I’m sure many people have many different answers. I can’t answer for them, I can only answer for myself. The main reason I blog, it’s therapeutic for me. I would just write multiple things to myself and for myself, not that I don’t do that now, but it helps to know somehow that someone might be reading what I write. Being who I am: African – American female who isn’t into most of the mainstream things or even things that people assume Black women should be into or knowledgeable about, I feel invisible most of the time. I’m also full-figured (plus size or fat, I do call myself fat at times) which is usually seen as someone who is supposed to be caring, motherly, funny and a bit submissive. I am not and through my twenties (I’m 29 by the way), I’ve learned to accept myself as I am. I do know that I can and do have a sadistic mean streak that can come out. This contributes to my depression and anxiety which I freely talk about because I deal with it on a daily basis. Trying to change myself has just helped me to be even more depressed and anxious then I already am. Especially in the Black community still, we don’t talk mental health much.

Even if a post doesn’t have any likes or comments, it helps that it’s out there so I feel seen. I might not actually be, but the hope is that I am. The other main reason is that even though writing is a hobby for me, I take it seriously enough to want to be better at it. To do that, you do need other writers to read your work and critique it, then use what they tell you to improve your writing. Hopefully, I’m not that bad of a writer to start, but I hope to start to craft a writing style with my posts, then continue to build experience in writing and grow as a writer.